I looked OK on the outside, but God saw my heart
My name is Sarah Davies, and this is my story.
The Lord has been working on me little by little for quite a while; small things, like what will I do after I graduate? My Mom would just say, "Pray about it." But every time I prayed there seemed to be a small voice saying, "God will not show you what you are to do as far as school, and whether you are to get married or not, if you are not first saved." I pushed that voice away, because at the time it was just easier to not deal with it.
In October, 2002, we were scheduled to have a revival meeting at our church. The Thursday before revival services, I had a car accident. When my Dad picked me up, he said some things that really made me start to think about my salvation, and whether I was really saved or not. Because of what he had said and some doubts of my own, I went looking for my Dad's Bible study book. I couldn't find it, and I was too proud to ask my Mom where it was. I finally found it and started to read it. I saw from the Bible Study that I was a sinner but, everyone is a sinner . . . so what!
On Sunday night before the evangelist preached, our trio sang a special song. Then the evangelist preached a message about humility. Up to this point I had not told my parents that I didn't know whether or not I was truly saved. That night the Lord spoke to me and I went forward to pray that He would give me the humility to deal with the issue of my salvation.
After the service, someone came up to me and said, "Sarah, the song you sang was really good, but it was rather empty, wasn't it?" That really made me realize that maybe I wasn't fooling as many people as I thought I was. I thought because I looked good on the outside, talked right, dressed right, and acted right, that everyone would think I was a Christian. That night when we got home, I talked to my Mom and Dad and told them that I was reading over the Salvation Bible Study and that I didn't think I was saved. They were not at all surprised. I think that I just had to hear myself say it out loud. My pride made me not want to say anything to anyone, even my parents.
My mom suggested that I take off work on Monday, stay at home, read my Bible, and ask the Lord to show me whether or not I was truly saved. On Monday morning I called Mrs. Hammett and told her that since Monday's were busy, and we had revival services, I was going to take the day off. She told me that was fine. My mom heard my phone conversation and after I hung up, she said, "You didn't tell her the REAL reason why you wanted off. Do you think this could be your pride?" As I thought about it, I realized that I had just wanted to give Mrs. Hammett a good sounding excuse for why I couldn't come in. I didn't really want her to know I was struggling with my salvation. I called her back and told her the real reason I wanted off work. That was really hard for me. I didn't want ANYONE to think that there might be something wrong with me.
I spent Monday at home reading my Bible, listening to messages on tape and reading the Bible Study book. By the end of the day, I was absolutely sure that I was lost. As I talked to my Mom she said, "Picture yourself before the Judgment Throne, as God calls out all of the names of people you know who are saved and serving God. When He is finished, you are left standing there alone. What will you say?" I told her I would say, "But what about me? I thought that I was OK. I did the same things that everyone else did. I looked OK on the outside, and I don't see myself as that bad of a sinner." Mom told me she didn't think I was really ready to be saved.
On Tuesday morning, I got up and just started to search my Bible. I read in Job 42 where Job told God that he abhorred himself. But I didn't abhor myself, and why should I? I had never murdered anyone or committed adultery. Later that day, I talked to Mrs. Hammett, and she told me to read a few different passages that talked about how God sees our sin. One of them was Romans chapter one. The first part of the chapter didn't seem to strike me, but then I got down to the second half, it was like God was showing me how He really saw me...covetous, deceitful, envious, a liar, proud-all of those things and more. Suddenly I saw that all my excuses, my dress, my words, my actions, etc. were NOTHING to God.
Then I started reading Romans chapter two. Verse one says, "Therefore thou art inexcusable, O man." It was like God was saying, "Sarah you have no excuse," and I didn't. I kept reading. Verse three says, "And thinkest thou this, O man, that judgest them which do such things, and doest the same, that thou shalt escape the judgment of God?" I knew that I judged other people by what they did or said, but I never saw any of those things in myself. It was like God was saying, "Sarah, this is YOU."
At that moment, I truly saw myself as NOTHING before God. I knew that I had nothing to give Him. I saw my horrible wickedness, and I realized that there was nothing good in me! I bowed me head and started to pray. Suddenly, it was as though I was standing before God. He had taken away my face and nice dress, and all He saw was black. I cried out and told God that I had nothing to give him, but I needed Him to save me. I asked Him to forgive me of my sin and to save me. I prayed, based on the Word of God, having the faith that God would save me.
After I prayed, I truly believed that God had saved me, but I was expecting to feel different, and I didn't. This bothered me, so that night after the revival service, I talked to Mrs. Hammett. She told me that I needed to get my eyes off of what I was or was not feeling, and look to the Lord. Assurance of salvation is based on the facts of the Word of God, not on our feelings. She then told me to go home and read the gospel of John. The next morning I got up and started to read in John chapter one. It seemed as though all through the book of John, God was saying that if you believe on Him, He will save you. When I had prayed, I had believed on God and realized that He was the only one that could save me.
Wednesday night, the evangelist preached about faith. I know the message was just for me! He said, "Get in God's Word and He will give you faith!!!!!" What a blessing! God had done that for me.
Since I have been saved, God has shown me many things from His Word. These were things that I had read before, but they never really meant anything to me. I want all the honor and glory to go to God because he is the ONE who saved me!