I Gave Up Trying
to Run My Own Life
My name is Jillian, and this is my story.
I grew up thinking that I was a good person. A really good person. I followed all the rules, tried to please the teachers and other authorities in my life, and went to church with my family multiple times a week. I looked down on others in society that I considered "bad people," people who weren't doing all of the "good things" I was doing. I thought that surely God saw that I was so much better than the people around me. Surely, He would see that I was trying my best and would approve of my life. But I was wrong.
You see, while I was comparing how I looked on the outside to how other people looked on the outside, God was more concerned with my heart. 1 Samuel 16:7, " ... for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." God didn't care whether I hadn't committed the same sins as a murderer, or whether I had ever physically been involved with a person outside of marriage. God saw the pride and hatred and lust of my heart. I found ways to excuse my sins. I thought I had good reasons for the lies I told. I felt justified in the bad attitude I had toward my parents.
I told myself that if I ever did sin, it was just a mistake or the devil was the one who made me do it. But it didn't matter what my excuses were, the truth was that I had broken God's law. And God tells us that the penalty for breaking His law is death.
You might think, like I did, that God's standard is impossibly high. I didn't think it was fair that a good Christian kid like myself would be sent to Hell just the same as a murderer. But when I was ready, God opened my eyes and helped me to see just how bad I really was. He used His Word, the Bible, to show me my sin and eliminate all of my excuses. I had been trying to fool the people around me into thinking I was a really good person, but God saw through all of that and said in His Word that all of my "righteousnesses are as filthy rags." (Isaiah 64:6)
When I understood my guilt before God, I didn't think He was unreasonable anymore. I realized that He was right to punish me for my sins. I saw that I was hopeless in trying to earn His favor. But praise be to God that He made a way for my sins to be forgiven. God knows that none of us can live up to His standard of perfection and holiness. He knows that no matter how hard I try to please Him, I will always fall short.
But for some reason, He still loves me! He tells us in John 3:16-17 that "God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved."
"I didn't want to keep living in my sin; I wanted Him to save me and make me into a new person."
I realized that I needed to stop fighting against God. He was so good and kind and merciful to make a way to save me from my sin and Hell. I didn't want to keep living in my sin; I wanted Him to save me and make me into a new person. I knew I was hopeless without Him, but that He was not willing that I should perish. I knew that He would save me if I asked Him, believing that the sacrifice of His perfect Son was enough to cover the guilt of my sin. On February 21, 2019, I finally gave up trying to run my life my way. I thanked God for showing me my sin and my need for a Savior. I told Him that I was sorry for breaking His law and living in rebellion against Him. And I told Him that I knew there was no way I deserved to be forgiven and that the only reason why I knew He would save me is because He said that He would. I trusted that Jesus' blood was sufficient to pay for my sins, and I asked God to save me and to change my heart and life. And He did!
From that day forward, things were different. No, I am not perfect, not even close! But God changed my heart and gave me a desire to please Him with my life out of gratitude for all that He has done for me. I am not trusting in the good things I do to save me, because I trust His Word that it is "Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us." (Titus 3:5)
I know that this is a very generalized and summarized explanation of the miracle that God worked in my life, and you may have further clarifying questions. If you have any questions or are interested in getting right with God and having a personal relationship with Him, please don't hesitate to reach out! There are so many specific and personal ways that God worked to bring me to the point of salvation, and I know that He wants to do the same for you! If there is one thing I want you to walk away with it is this: Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth and the life: no man cometh unto the father but by me." (John 14: 6) Please stop trying to make your own way and accept the free gift that God offers to you through His Son!